So while watching my new obsession “Celebrity Wife Swap” I noticed something about certain types of people. It’s a trait that I had noticed many times in friends, family, co-workers, and of course strangers. I noticed that outdoor types look DOWN upon us Divas and Divos (Divo being a male Diva).
Now that stretches even further then Divas/Divos, this also stands for those folks who just would rather sleep inside then under the stars. I hear all you earthy people calling me a bitch right now, and I hear your eyes rolling so far back that you see the inside of your organic brain, but it is something that I can no longer ignore. It’s time to stand up to the Captain Camper!
When I am told by someone that they went camping, I listen to their story and nod, and say “Oh wow” and “that must have been lovely” when I am really thinking “Oh wow, can’t believe you did that for fun” and “that is my worst nightmare”….but I listen. They are not making me roast hot dogs on an open flame surrounded by rocks; they are just telling me a tale of wilderness, campfires, and nature. I respect that it’s something they enjoy, even though it incorporates all things that I hate. Bugs for instance, don’t tell me there are no bugs in your tent, you are OUTSIDE. That is where bugs live. Sleeping on the ground – I don’t do that when I am drunk, you think I am going to do that for vacation? Animals (that are not of the domesticated variety) (or are not my dog), I don’t do animals. I eat them, and at times wear them (back off – they would wear us if they had thumbs), and I like to watch shows about the cute ones (SLOTHS)…..but I don’t want to hang out with them unless they are behind a barricade of some sort. I like Chipmunks that sing, not steal food from my plate. However, I still listen to the stories, and when asked if I would ever want to go I give a respectful, it’s not really my thing. What that translates to is that I would make everyone there hate me with my constant whining, complaining, and bitching.
So after my polite “No thank you very much” I get this “Your one of those people aren’t you?” Those people? What in the name of couture do you mean by “THOSE PEOPLE”? Those people who like to sleep in beds? You are correct. Those people who like to have food cooked for them while on vacation? Guilty as charged. Those people who don’t want to share my space with 4 legged (or more legged) creatures? Ya, I am just a freak….that’s me. I don’t say “OH your one of those dirt eating ass wipes that like to cook raw flesh on stones”. No – I don’t say that. When someone says, “You’re missing out, there is nothing like sleeping under the sky at night.” I don’t give some douche comeback like “Well I prefer to potty inside”. Do you want to know WHY I don’t say those things? Because I know that would be ignorant. What these organic nuts don’t understand is that THEY sound ignorant when they are DISGUESTED by my Louboutins, Fendi sunglasses (four years people…four), and Gucci bags. I am equally as disgusted by their Jesus sandals, visors, and Coleman coolers – but hey, it’s their vacation, not mine.
To all you judgmental tree hugging hippies – DON’T roll your eyes – DON’T give a sigh of disbelief – DON’T smirk. Because the next time you do, I may just take my leather purse and hit you right in the all-natural kisser. Just because I prefer Birkin bags to Birkenstocks doesn’t make me less of a human.
Can you tell I have not had bread since January 3rd?
